Life Behind the Fantasy!
by Tofu-chan
Summary: A video's being shot away from all the sets and costumes. There are a few surprises in store for it's viewers...not to mention the two people filming it! (PG13 for possible language etc) **Completed!**
1. Chapter 1

Hi! This is my fanfic, about a video being made, showing the shady side of Final Fantasy IX. None of these characters are mine or anything, they all belong to Squaresoft, blah blah. So I'm just gonna launch into this now, and start part 1. ^_^  
  
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Kuja & Beatrix present... "Life Behind the Fantasy!"  
  
[Camera turns on, and we see a close up of an eye. After about a full minute of just staring at an eyeball, the camera pans out. Kuja, wearing something similar to his in-game costume, strikes a pose, flicking back his hair for effect.]  
  
Kuja: Hello, loyal Final Fantasy IX fans! I realise that this...'update'...might seem a little irregular. But to those Kuja fans out there, you'll know that irregularity suits me just fine.  
  
[He's jogged out of the way slightly by Beatrix, who's now wearing a loose, tatty jumper and jeans. She smiles at the camera.]  
  
Beatrix: And it shows.  
  
Kuja: *scowls* As I was saying, this will probably seem a little out of the blue. But I-  
  
Beatrix: But WE decided to make this video for all of you Final Fantasy fanatics! Because we love you all, and wanted to offer thanks for your tireless support! *kisses at the camera*  
  
Kuja: *lowers his voice* Actually, we needed the money, and we figured we could knock some video off, and sell it to crazed FFIX loons who'll buy anything with the logo on it.  
  
Beatrix: Eheh, yeah...see, I wasn't always that good with a sword. I had to undergo a lot of training, and I, uh, broke a lot of stuff in the process. Including the actual instructor. After they deducted all the damages from my pay, I still ended up owing the company money.  
  
Kuja: And I found out my pay was severely reduced after a promising technician who had the potential to earn the company thousands of dollars quit after I hit on him...several times. And I needed that money for my next shopping spree. (And they still don't know I, uh, 'borrowed' this camera from the back-up equipment cupboard...)  
  
Beatrix: ...Know what? We probably shouldn't have advertised all that.  
  
Kuja: ...Good point. We can edit it out later.  
  
Beatrix: Right. So, FFIX fans, we welcome you to -  
  
Kuja: "Life Behind the Fantasy!"  
  
Beatrix: I thought we agreed I'D say that.  
  
Kuja: *grinning* Camera's rolling, B. Keep going. And you're first to be behind the camera!  
  
Beatrix: *glare* ...Fine.  
  
[Beatrix moves behind the camera. Kuja starts backing down the corridor, talking to the camera.]  
  
Kuja: Now, whom shall we 'reveal' first? I guess we'll just open the first door, which iiiiiiiiiiiis...  
  
[Kuja stops, and the camera across to a door. Kuja slips in front of the camera.]  
  
Kuja: Here we are. Vivi Ornitier! Shall we go in? I think we shall! Keh heh!  
  
[Kuja pushes the door open, and immediately the corridor is filled with trashy, ultra-super-happy sounding music. The camera peers round the door, and we see Vivi bouncing up and down on the mini-couch, singing along loudly to the music. Beatrix steps back, and we see the room is filled with large teddy bears, sweet boxes, and empty sugar packets.]  
  
Kuja: Vivi struck you as the 'quiet type', huh? The nice, shy, modest, sweetheart that would never be any trouble to anyone?  
  
Beatrix: Pfft. We had him on a string of depressants for the whole game. That kid can't sit still for two damn seconds, the little sugar-consuming hypo-monster...  
  
Kuja: Mmm, yes. Unfortunately, we found out two weeks into shooting that he was allergic to the cheap pills we'd been giving him. That's why you never saw his face - it was so red and swollen and bleeding and oozing and-  
  
Beatrix: KUJA!!!! EW!  
  
Kuja: Heh. Anyway, they couldn't show that thing to you ickle kiddies now, could they? And this serious reaction he had? Taken to hospital for two months. Life-support and everything.  
  
Beatrix: Gods, yeah. Most of the filming had to be postponed. It cost Squaresoft a bundle.  
  
Kuja: Which is another reason why I'm short on cash. Squaresoft needed someone to blame, and it was my idea for the depressants in the first place. Aha. So my pay got cut before I'd even been introduced in the game.  
  
Beatrix: *snicker*  
  
[At this point, during a twirl, Vivi notices the camera.]  
  
Vivi: Oooooo! Cameracameracamera! Me wanna see!  
  
Kuja: Uh oh, he's spotted us! Quick!  
  
[Kuja throws in a bag of sugar for distraction purposes, and slams the door just as Vivi hurtles across the room. There's a small thud as Vivi collides with the door, and then odd noises as Vivi tries to eat his way out.]  
  
Beatrix: Okay, my turn!  
  
[Kuja moves out of sight of the camera, and the Beatrix jumps into his place.]  
  
Beatrix: Okay! Working our way down the corridor of dressing rooms, we introduce you tooooo...  
  
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gasp Who's gonna be next to be caught on camera? You'll have to wait for the next chapter! (coming pretty soon, I think.) 


	2. Chapter 2

We now return to 'Life Behind the Fantasy' to see who's next up to be filmed!  
  
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[Kuja turns the camera dramatically to the side, and we're shown a small stain on a badly painted wall.]  
  
Beatrix: Wrong side.  
  
[Kuja quickly turns the camera to the other side of the corridor, and we see an already open door. Beatrix pushes it open further. Freya's sitting in front of her dressing table, surrounded by mountains upon mountains of tissues.]  
  
Freya: ATCHOO!  
  
Beatrix: Bless you.  
  
Freya: *looks up* Thanks... What's with the video camera?  
  
Kuja: It's, uh, for the...end credits.  
  
Beatrix: Yeah! End credits! Right! Hey, can we get an interview? The fans'll love it!  
  
Kuja: *under his breathe* Yeah, and we can add another few dollars onto the price...  
  
Freya: I guess...ATCHOO! ...Ugh. I can't find any tissue boxes with tissues left in it!  
  
Beatrix: Anyway! *turns to the camera* Now we'll get an exclusive interview from Freya Crescent!  
  
Freya: Hi. ATCHOO!  
  
Beatrix: Now, Freya, I see you're still in the rat costume. Why is that?  
  
Freya: ...Costume?  
  
Beatrix: Yeah...'cuz you can't...can't really be...  
  
[Freya puts her hands on her hips, and glares at Beatrix, who pales.]  
  
Beatrix: You mean...!!!  
  
Freya: -__-;; Duh! ATCHOO!  
  
Beatrix: ...But during shooting, weren't you complaining you were allergic to rat hair?  
  
Freya: I am.  
  
Beatrix: ...But that...doesn't make sense...you'd have to be allergic to...YOURSELF?  
  
Freya: ...Yeah. ATCHOO!  
  
Kuja: *busts up laughing* Allergic to herself! AHAHA!  
  
Freya: Look...I really need a tissue...so if you guys don't have one, I'm gonna go find one.  
  
[Freya pushes past them and goes down the corridor.]  
  
Beatrix: O.o That would explain the number of tries it took to get a take without her sneezing...  
  
Kuja: *still laughing* My turn! Allergic to herself...ha ha!  
  
[They switch places again, and we watch and wait as Kuja tries to calm down.]  
  
Kuja: I'm fine now...I'm OKAY! Aha! AHAHA! ...Phew...I'm done. Moving on! *starts to walk* So Freya was not in costume, contrary to the beliefs of a certain misinformed co-presenter. But while a likely costume turned out to be real, there is someone in costume whom you might not have expected to be. And this will serve as an introduction for...  
  
[The camera turns, and we see a close-up of a large, golden star hung on a door, with big, bold letters on it; "Madame Carol". Kuja knocks on the door, and it's opened by a tall, well built man, wearing a dark suit. Smoke fumes leak out of the door crack.]  
  
Man: Yes?  
  
Kuja: Heya, Muscle-Head. We're here to interview Miss...I mean, 'Mz' Carol. It's for the end credits.  
  
Man: ...Hold on.  
  
[The door slams shut in Kuja's face. While voices inside start to discuss something, Kuja looks mischievously into the camera.]  
  
Kuja: Ladies and gentleman, Eiko will be out to grace us with her grand presence shortly. I apologise now for poor picture conditions caused by fumes, and any heart problems caused by her unexpected appearance.  
  
[The door is suddenly swept open (into the back of Kuja's head) by a rather old, very short woman in a silky-looking dressing gown. She's waving a long cigarette holder, and squirting perfume at herself at high-speed.]  
  
Mz Carol: DAHLINK! Why didn't you tell me there was more shooting, eh? I would have got ready!  
  
Kuja: Last minute decisions, I'm sure a professional like you can understand. *winks behind her back* It's for the end credits.  
  
Beatrix: *muttering* You'd better watch where you spray that perfume; it might catch light on your fag and blow up...hack-hack They'll probably be able to smell you while they watch this... *aloud* You look just fine as you are, Mz Carol. Lovely as usual.  
  
Mz Carol: Aha, thank you dahlink!  
  
[She sweeps in front of the camera and poses, knocking Kuja out of the way.]  
  
Mz Carol: This will be going out to my fans, yes? I want to say thank you to all the wonder-  
  
Kuja: *pops in front of her* Nono, no need! You're doing that just by appearing on this video, trust me...and, know what? I think you've thanked your adoring fans quite enough. We don't want to trouble you any longer, Mz Carol.  
  
Mz Carol: ...Very well, dahlink!  
  
[She turns to the door, stopping to kiss at the camera, before opening the door, and entering the smog filled dressing room.]  
  
Kuja: *shudders* Yes, it's true. The little 6-year old brat Eiko is played by an old woman. No one's quite sure how old she is; we've narrowed it down to between one and two centuries. *rolls eyes* We had to throw so many scenes away because she ran off to get another cigarette. You can smell her before she even gets to the set. You saw that huge guy who opened the door? There are another 9 of them in there. She says she's been alone a long time, and needs company.  
  
Beatrix: Notice how the director poked fun at her? "I don't wanna be alone anymore." Heh!  
  
Kuja: Why was she hired rather than an actual kid? "She has experience." "6- Year olds are too hard to work with for a big project like this." HOW did she get away with it? Some miracle make-up work and lots of computer enhanced images. Go figure.  
  
[The view jolts as Beatrix throws the camera at Kuja.]  
  
Beatrix: My turn! Okay! ^__^  
  
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O.o Two...interesting secrets out in the open now...how many more will be revealed? You're gonna have to wait a little longer, 'dahlink'! 


	3. Chapter 3

Welcome back to 'Life Behind the Fantasy!' Continuing down the corridor...  
  
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Beatrix: And now, continuing down the corridor-  
  
Kuja: (Anyone else get a déjà vu?)  
  
Beatrix: AHEM! Next down the corridor, we have 'Captain of the Knights of Pluto', Adelbert-  
  
[At this point, the door behind her opens and Steiner walks out wearing a towel. A very small one.]  
  
Beatrix: STEINER!?  
  
Steiner: B-Beatrix! O.O!!  
  
[Beatrix looks quickly away, and Kuja lowers the camera to Steiner's waist. When Beatrix notices, she yanks the camera back up to shoulder height before Kuja can blind any of the audience.]  
  
Steiner: B-Beatrix! My apologies for appearing so indecent! I-I just dropped a coin, and it rolled under the door...so I came out to get it, but I didn't think-  
  
Beatrix: Steiner, just...look, we came for an interview...? Just...pick up the coin or whatever it was you dropped, and then get dressed...then maybe we can chat, yeah?  
  
Steiner: A-As you wish! I shall only be a minute!  
  
[He bends down at an unfortunate angle. Beatrix looks hurriedly away again, trying not to laugh, and trying to stop Kuja from pointing the camera down again. Kuja is trying not to crack up on the spot, and giving Beatrix meaningful looks for her to get off the camera. Eventually Steiner straightens.]  
  
Steiner: I shall make haste, Beatrix! Then I would be most honoured for you to interview me!  
  
[Steiner runs back into the dressing room. The second the door closes, Beatrix and Kuja burst out laughing.]  
  
Kuja: Oh gods...that towel...ahahaha!  
  
Beatrix: And when he...bent down...*snorts and laughs harder*  
  
Kuja: Pheeew...my turn now...  
  
Beatrix: What? But I haven't-  
  
Kuja: He wants YOU to interview him. *waggles eyebrows* We might as well interview someone else while we wait, eh? And then you get to, aha, "do" Steiner.  
  
Beatrix: *sweatdrops* Deal.  
  
[Kuja hands over the camera to Beatrix and smiles into the lens.]  
  
Kuja: While we wait for Berty in there to get dressed, let's try someone else, hmm? So, who's behind door number 5...?  
  
[Kuja runs down to the next door, and throws it open.]  
  
Kuja: ZIDDY! Smile for the...camera?  
  
Beatrix: What's up?  
  
Kuja: Not there. *brightens* We'll just have to come back later. 'Cause if he thinks he's gonna get out of this, he's sadly mistaken. Well, we'll do the NEXT person then!  
  
[As the camera moves towards the next door, kid's voices can be heard laughing, chattering, etc. When we get there, Kuja gently pushes the already ajar door open, and suddenly, everything goes quiet as about 20 small, bright eyes fall on Kuja and the camera. Kuja and Beatrix exchange glances, and Beatrix starts walking into the room.]  
  
Beatrix: Hi there, sweeties! Is nice Mr Coral here? We want to talk to him about a very special talk we want him to help us with! Could you help us find him, huh?  
  
[Silence.]  
  
Kuja: *sigh* Let me.  
  
[Kuja grabs one of the nearest kids by the T-shirt and lifts him a foot off the floor. All the kids scurry back a few inches, and the one currently suspended looks as if he's about to wet himself.]  
  
Kuja: Alright you little brat, you've got 10 seconds to tell me where Amarant or Mr Coral or whatever you call him is, or else I'll tell the hungry bogeyman that lives under your bed that you've been bad and he'll come out and eat you. And you had BETTER not have a lisp.  
  
[The kid points to the bathroom. Kuja grins insincerely and drops the kid, who runs crying out of the room. Kuja sits down on the couch to wait, and all the kids scramble to get to the other side of the room. Beatrix sits down next to him just as the bathroom door opens, and Amarant walks out.]  
  
Amarant: Okay, let's hear more about Little Red Ridi- ...what's the matter, guys? *turns and sees Kuja and Beatrix* Lemme guess. Kuja's the reason why they're all scared? ...And where's Tommy gone?  
  
Kuja: ^__^ Gone to find his mummy. Heh heh heh!  
  
Amarant: *scowls* What the he- *remembers the kids* ...What did you DO?  
  
Kuja: *looks innocent* Only asked where you were. Can we get an interview? It's for the end credits. And then Beatrix can take me away and all your little friends can, uh, breathe out and stop pis-  
  
Amarant: Fine. Make it quick. I'm halfway through Little Red Riding Hood.  
  
Kuja: *snickers* Okay then. *thumbs-up at camera* Amarant, you've been happily married for several years, and you have...how many children of your own?  
  
Amarant: Five. The oldest one is 8 years old.  
  
Kuja: Aha. You obviously have a greater love of children than I do. And you're also here with several children, is that right? And yet in the game, you seemed a cold hearted, selfish and above all, child hating bas-  
  
Amarant: BAD MAN. Yeah. Dunno why they cast me like that. I've been told it's the hairstyle and my height that make me look sorta shady, and that they probably got me the part.  
  
Kuja: *smirk* But I thought that you had hair implants put in at the request of the director? And that you're actually a very shorthaired blonde?  
  
Amarant: Oh, and I suppose YOU don't dye YOUR hair at all, do you?  
  
Kuja: ...Interview's over.  
  
[As Kuja drags Beatrix laughing out of the room, all the kids run over to Amarant and start wailing. Just as Beatrix hands the camera over to Kuja, Steiner's door opens and he walks out, looking rather overdressed.]  
  
Steiner: Beatrix! I am at last ready! I cannot apologise enough for keeping you waiting and putting you at such an inconvenience-  
  
Beatrix: -___-;; Let's just do the interview, 'kay?  
  
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What secrets will come out during Steiner's interview? Does Kuja really dye his hair? Did Tommy make it to the bathroom on time? All of the questions will (possibly) be answered in the next instalment of "Life behind the Fantasy"! 


	4. Chapter 4

And we're back to "Life behind the Fantasy"! Beatrix and Kuja are about to interview Steiner! What will happen? Find out now! ^__^  
  
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Steiner: Please, come in, Beatrix!  
  
[Beatrix walks into the room, and Kuja goes to follow. Steiner slams the door in his face.]  
  
Kuja: HEY!!!!!!!  
  
Beatrix: Steiner, we need the camera to do the interview. Kuja's gotta come in too.  
  
Steiner: But that scoundrel...*sighs* very well.  
  
[The door opens, and Kuja walks inside, muttering. Until he sees the candles, rose petals and the two glasses of wine sitting on the dressing table, and he tries not to laugh as he sits down on the couch.]  
  
Beatrix: ...This is...uh...very nice, Steiner...but let's get this interview over with, shall we?  
  
[Steiner pulls out a chair for her, and she sits down awkwardly. Kuja turns the camera around to himself, balancing it in one palm.]  
  
Kuja: *sweatdrops* As you can see, Steiner wasn't doing as much acting as you might have thought. His eccentric grammar, over-the-top ways and very obvious crush on Beatrix were, in fact, written into the script after he tried out. Heh. *turns the camera back*  
  
Beatrix: Now, Steiner. In the game, you protected Garnet with your life. Do you feel like that in real life too? Protecting those you hold dear to you?  
  
Kuja: *whispering* Hey, you sound professional. We might be able to raise the price s'more...  
  
Steiner: *grabs Beatrix's hands* Of course! I will always protect the people whom I hold in great esteem! For why else are we put on this Earth?  
  
Beatrix: ...Yeah, whatever. *pulls her hands away* Also, your character had a very strong sense of right and wrong, and strict principles. Do you follow in this trend?  
  
Kuja: Pretty good, B! Way to go!  
  
Steiner: Of COURSE I do! I am a firm believer-  
  
[Kuja leans backwards on the couch, and tries to rearrange the cushions. As he does, a cushion falls off, and a suitcase falls off with it.]  
  
Steiner: O.O!!!!  
  
Kuja: Hel-lo, what do we have here? Keh heh!  
  
Beatrix: Open it! ^__^  
  
Steiner: NO!  
  
[With Beatrix restraining Steiner from hurtling across the room, Kuja opens the suitcase. Beatrix and Kuja's mouths drop open when they see what's inside...]  
  
Beatrix: HOLY-  
  
Kuja: There must be thousands of dollars in here!  
  
Steiner: It-it is all my own, I a-assure you!  
  
Kuja: No it bloody isn't. See? Here're the fake notes I used to pay for my "access-all-areas pass"!  
  
Beatrix: Steiner! You stole all that?  
  
Steiner: N-NO! It...it...uh...I-I must ask you to leave now!  
  
[He starts practically pushing them out of the room.]  
  
Beatrix: Steiner, I'm not finished!  
  
Kuja: Hey, Steiner! Can I borrow some money?  
  
[The door slams behind them.]  
  
Beatrix: There you have it ladies and gentlemen! Steiner is a liar, thief, and...uh...a bad man!  
  
Kuja: Who would have thought it...  
  
Beatrix: We'd better run for it, before he remembers that we got that all on tape...  
  
Kuja: ...Good point. Moving swiftly on down the corridor then-  
  
[As Kuja and Beatrix starts walking hastily down the hall, Kuja tries to hand the camera over to Beatrix. She pushes it back at him.]  
  
Beatrix: Nuh-uh! It's still my turn!  
  
Kuja: How'd you figure that!? You just did Steiner!  
  
Beatrix: Yeah, but YOU got two turns in a row! We had to switch while we waited for Steiner! So, it's still my turn! *sticks out tongue*  
  
Kuja: ...Fine. But make it quick.  
  
Beatrix: But that wouldn't be as entertaining for all our fans, now, would it? ^__^  
  
Kuja: *mutters*  
  
Beatrix: Thought so. So, I'll take as long as I want, thank you very much!  
  
Kuja: Yeah, yeah. Just try not to make it so long we run out of batteries or film...although we could charge more if it's a double tape...heh!  
  
Beatrix: ...Hey, do you hear that? o.O;;  
  
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Oooooooo! What could it be that Beatrix has heard? And who'll be next to be interviewed? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next chapter! 


	5. Chapter 5

In this chapter of "Life Behind the Fantasy", we find out what exactly Beatrix has heard...and, of course, get more exclusive, behind the scenes, (and most importantly, money-making) interviews!  
  
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Kuja: Hear what? ¬__¬ Those voices in your head having another argument?  
  
Beatrix: Hush!  
  
[Somewhere down the hall, there's a guy's scream, followed by hysterical giggling. A few seconds later, Zidane hurtles down the corridor, wearing nothing but a towel, around his waist. He frantically pushes past Beatrix and Kuja, almost sending them flying (the camera view swerves at this point), runs into his dressing room, and then slams the door. Locks can be heard, uh, locking. Just as Beatrix and Kuja get to their feet, Garnet pushes past them and collides with the now shut door dressing room door. She giggles, and knocks on it lightly.]  
  
Garnet: Zida-aaaaane! Let me iiiii-iiiiin!  
  
Zidane: _ Leave me alone, you perv!  
  
Garnet: Aww, c'mon! I know you love it, really!  
  
Zidane: GO AWAY!  
  
Garnet: ...Pfft. I'll be back!  
  
[Garnet laughs, and skips back down the corridor, into her own dressing room. Beatrix and Kuja snicker and exchange glances.]  
  
Beatrix: More interviewees! Let's start with Zidane!  
  
[They start to walk back down to Zidane's dressing room.]  
  
Kuja: *muttering* What's with all the guys running around with towels!?  
  
Beatrix: *nudges him* Aww, you love it.  
  
Kuja: *wrinkles his nose* Oh. Yes. Seeing Steiner and my cousin running round in towels REALLY turns me on.  
  
Beatrix: Cousin? You mean Zidane? O.o I didn't know you were actually related!  
  
Kuja: Trust me, B. There are many, MANY things you don't know.  
  
[Beatrix pulls a face at Kuja, and knocks on the dressing room door.]  
  
Zidane: GO AWAY! I'VE AL-  
  
Beatrix: Zidane, it's Beatrix! Kuja's here too. Can we get an interview?  
  
Zidane: ...Is she gone?  
  
Kuja: If "she" refers to Garnet, then yes, she's gone.  
  
[The door opens a crack, and a small slit of Zidane's face becomes visible.]  
  
Zidane: ...What did you say you two want?  
  
Beatrix: *gestures at the camera* An interview. For the end credits.  
  
Zidane: ...Alright. Just let me get dressed.  
  
[Before Zidane can close and lock the door again, Kuja pushes it open, almost knocking out Zidane. He waltzes into the room and makes himself comfortable on the couch.]  
  
Kuja: Don't bother, Ziddy. We can't be bothered to wait, and no one's gonna care anyway. Now, can we get an interview or not?  
  
Zidane: I'm gonna get one even if I say 'no'. So I guess I may as well...  
  
[Zidane pokes his head round the door, to make sure a certain person isn't stalking him again. He quickly pops his head back in and locks the door, and then sits at the dressing table, trying to tug the towel to reach a little further down his legs.]  
  
Zidane: ...Okay.  
  
Beatrix: Great! *turns to camera* We're now here in Zidane Tribal's dressing room. For the sake of decency, all filming will be done above shoulder height...I SAID, above shoulder height, Kuja!  
  
Kuja: *moves camera upwards* Keh heh...  
  
Beatrix: Now, Zidane. Can we see a twirl for proof that your tail's real?  
  
Zidane: ...Uh...it isn't...!  
  
Kuja: Beatrix, you mean you actually thought we had TAILS!? *busts up laughing*  
  
Beatrix: Hey, shuddup! Okay, so I was wrong! I just figured with Freya not being in costume and all, maybe you two...ugh, forget it. Can we get back to the interview?  
  
Zidane: *snickering* Sure, sure.  
  
Beatrix: -__-;; Okay, good. So, would you mind explaining what on EARTH was going on a couple of minutes ago? You and the towel, and Garnet, etc?  
  
Zidane: *sweatdrop* You got that on camera, huh? ...Well, the shower in my dressing room's broken...and the director said that I could use the one in HIS room, 'cause he'd be out smoothing the rough edges on the game or something. But when I came out...SHE was there. So I grabbed the nearest towel and RAN for it. And she starts running after me, and...well, you saw the rest.  
  
Beatrix: Ah. I can see that you just made it out alive. So...we've had a tip off that Kuja dyes his hair. Can you confirm or deny this?  
  
Kuja: HEY!  
  
Zidane: ¬__¬ Consider it confirmed.  
  
[At this point, Kuja dumps the camera, but it is left at an angle that we can still follow him around the room (although sideways). He runs into the bathroom before Zidane can climb over to stop him, and Kuja struts out brandishing bottles of hair dye.]  
  
Kuja: HAH! *singsong voice* I knew it! I kne-ew it!  
  
Zidane: -__-;; Pur-lease. It's not as if it's the only thing that runs in the family.  
  
[Both Kuja and Zidane exchange cold looks before laughing. Kuja sits down and straightens the camera again.]  
  
Beatrix: Sorry, did I miss something? What ELSE "runs in the family"?  
  
Zidane: *amused* She doesn't know!?  
  
Kuja: -__-;;Does no one tell you anything? You DO know I'm gay, right?  
  
Beatrix: DUH.  
  
Kuja: ...Go from there...?  
  
Beatrix: I don't under... O.O;;; No way!  
  
[Zidane and Kuja both do an "anime fall".]  
  
Kuja: You think they'd let a STRAIGHT guy do some of the stuff this guy did?  
  
Beatrix: ...Maybe? -___-;; Argh, okay, WHATEVER! Anything else I should know before I make an idiot out of myself? AGAIN?  
  
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Is there anything else Zidane wants to own up to? (Or that Kuja'll own up to on Zidane's behalf...?) Find out in the next chapter! 


	6. Chapter 6

Will Zidane admit to any more secrets? Who else will be interviewed, and will any surprising secrets come out? Why are the interviews getting longer!? X__X Find out now!  
  
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[We see a hand dart out from behind the camera and prod Zidane.]  
  
Kuja: Yeah, Ziddy, anything else you wanna share? Keh heh!  
  
Zidane: Umm. Don't think so. Sorry.  
  
Beatrix: ...Onwards to Garnet then!  
  
Kuja: *sighs* Ziddy, you're such a spoilsport. So don't blame me if I suddenly remember something I want to share with the camera in your absence.  
  
Zidane: Whatever. Now can I get dressed?  
  
[Kuja and Beatrix get bundled out of the room. The view spins slightly as the camera gets passed over to Beatrix. Kuja pops up from underneath the camera's view and smiles.]  
  
Kuja: We've interviewed the stalk-ee. So, quite obviously, we now have to interview the stalker! Keh heh! *starts walking* Lessee...after Garnet, we've only got Quina left...  
  
Beatrix: We're not gonna do the supporting cast?  
  
Kuja: No...I think we'll put THEM on a sequel video...heh. Ah, here we are.  
  
[Kuja opens the door, and we see Garnet dancing around the room, humming vaguely. Kuja snickers at the camera.]  
  
Kuja: We're getting this, right? Keep the camera rolling; she might try the splits...  
  
[At this point, Garnet notices them and gasps, blushing. She quickly turns off the Walkman slipped on her trousers and tries to look innocent. Kuja matches her expression.]  
  
Kuja: Can we interview you?  
  
Garnet: Sure!  
  
Beatrix: Don't you even wanna know what for?  
  
Garnet: Hell no. If I'm on camera, I'm happy! ^__^  
  
Kuja: *sweatdrops* Rrrrrrrright. Well, we've heard from Zidane that you ambushed him in the shower. Any comment?  
  
Garnet: Hmm...he told you he was nekkid?  
  
Kuja: -__-;; That was pretty obvious - he WAS in the shower.  
  
Garnet: ...He told you I was nekkid?  
  
Kuja: O__o No...so, why were YOU naked, or 'nekkid'? HE was the one taking a shower.  
  
Garnet: *looks innocent* My shower broke, too. So I thought to save water and money, we could share. He wasn't quite as enthusiastic as I was. *sigh*  
  
Kuja: You're telling me YOUR shower broke? At the same time as Zidane's?  
  
Garnet: Yup. Go see for yourself.  
  
[Kuja gets out of his seat, and pokes his head around the open bathroom door. He starts laughing, and sits back down.]  
  
Beatrix: Uh. Care to share what's so funny?  
  
Kuja: It...aha...it's only broken because she...she...*laughs harder* she's put a welder to the showerhead and turned the water up full...it...HAHA...it's exploded!  
  
Beatrix: Whoa. That's one desperate gal...  
  
[Garnet falls back onto the couch and clutches at one of the pillows.]  
  
Garnet: Not desperate. Just head-over-heels in love with him!  
  
Beatrix: You mean, the same way you've been "head-over-heels in love" with every guy playing any lead role in any film or game since goodness only knows when?  
  
Kuja: Ooo, you have inside information?  
  
Garnet: Zidane's different!  
  
Beatrix: ¬__¬ The same way every guy playing any lead role in a-  
  
Garnet: Shut up!  
  
Kuja: ^__^ Don't! This is fun! Keh heh!  
  
Garnet: Hey, you wanna see something?  
  
Kuja: Not if it involves any other weirdoes running around in towels...  
  
Garnet: It doesn't, I promise.  
  
[Garnet skips over to the cupboard.]  
  
Garnet: Wait - will Zidane be watching this...whatever-it-is you're filming?  
  
Kuja: Nope. *under his breath* Unless he buys it, that is...  
  
[Garnet grins and swings the door wide open. Kuja winces and looks away, and the view lurches as Beatrix does the same. Unfortunately, she couldn't move fast enough, and we still get a glimpse, albeit a short one, of the picture lining the walls of Garnet's in-built Zidane Shrine.]  
  
Kuja: I did NOT need to see that! Garnet! You promised!  
  
Beatrix: Correction - she promised there weren't any towels. She never said anything about there being no naked pictures.  
  
Kuja: Garnet - WHERE did you get naked pictures of Zidane!?  
  
Garnet: Well, these ones are from when he was a 'porn star', and I took these myse-  
  
Beatrix: Did I just hear her right?  
  
Kuja: O__O Back up a sec! WHAT did you say?  
  
Garnet: ...When?  
  
Kuja: Did we hear you say 'porn star'!? In the context of Zidane was one!?  
  
Garnet: He always will be to me. *__*  
  
Kuja: *cracking up* This is too rich!  
  
[A little red dot starts flashing in the corner of the screen.]  
  
Beatrix: Kuja, we've gotta go find Quina. We're running out of batteries, and we won't have enough power left unless we go now.  
  
Kuja: But I wanna hear more about this!  
  
[A hand shoots out and grabs Kuja by the arm, and proceeds to drag him, still laughing, out of the room.]  
  
Beatrix: Thanks for the interview, Garnet!  
  
Kuja: ^___^ Yeah! *snicker* You've been a big help!  
  
[Once they get out of the room, Beatrix hands the camera over to Kuja, and pops into out view.]  
  
Beatrix: 5 down, 1 to go! Quina, here we come!  
  
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Ooooo! What will Quina have to say? And will we get the asnswer to the question everyone wants to know - what gender is Quina anyway!? You'll have to wait and see in the next chapter of "Life Behind the Fantasy!" ^__^ Bheh! 


	7. Chapter 7

It's the last character - the last chapter. Will Quina let the video go out with a bang? Well, I'm not sure yet either, so let's just see what happens with this! ^___^  
  
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[Our view moves down the hallway, onto the last door with a name on it - Quina Quen. Beatrix knocks on the door.]  
  
Quina: Yeah?  
  
Beatrix: It's Beatrix and Kuja, here for an interview. Can we come in?  
  
Quina: Sure!  
  
[Beatrix opens the door, and we see Quina sitting on the couch, tugging at one of the shoes.]  
  
Quina: Have a...ngh...seat. What did you say...ngh...this video's for?  
  
Beatrix: End credits. Sort of a bonus thing.  
  
Quina: I take it I'm the last on the list, eh? ^__^ Well, carry on, fire away, and so on.  
  
Beatrix: Well, it's pointless asking about Quina's bad grammar. You don't really talk like that, then.  
  
Quina: Ha, no. Not unless it's early in the morning.  
  
Beatrix: ^__^ I know how that feels. So, what do you think of the costume?  
  
Quina: It's pretty real lookin', huh? Real clumsy to move about in though - and I can't get this damn foot off! Gimme a hand?  
  
[Beatrix starts yanking at the foot as well. We loose sight of their heads as Kuja lowers the camera.]  
  
Kuja: Costume?  
  
Beatrix: *giggle* Don't tell me I'm not the only misinformed one here. You really didn't know?  
  
Quina: *laughs* It's a costume alright.  
  
[Beatrix suddenly goes flying backwards, still clutching at the foot. She bangs her head against the wall.]  
  
Beatrix: OW.  
  
Quina: FINALLY.  
  
[Quina stands up, and reaches behind his head. There's the sound of a zip, and the costume falls away...We don't get much of a look at the actor though, because at this point, Kuja drops the camera.]  
  
Quina: ...Is he okay?  
  
Beatrix: Kuja? ...KUJA? Hello, anyone home? ...He's completely zonked out...KUJA!  
  
Kuja: ...huh?...Oh...oh, right.  
  
[Kuja picks up the camera, and it focuses on the guy with the Quina suit around his ankles. Now we can see why Kuja dropped the camera - the guy's a total bishie. Flowing hair, great eyes, even better smile - the whole package. He gives Kuja and the camera a weird look before kicking the suit away and sitting down.]  
  
Beatrix: Okay then, let's try this from the top. You don't share your character's grammar problem, then.  
  
Quina: Nope. Although I'm no poet exactly, either.  
  
Beatrix: So, in the...Kuja, you're dropping the camera again...that's better. In the making of the game, we all saw you eat frogs. And I'm sure we all wanna know how you did that!  
  
Quina: Oh. *picks up the suit's head* You can see that the size of the head's pretty big, right? So there's lots of space around me. When I post a frog through the mouth here, it...is Kuja alright?  
  
Kuja: I'm just fine. I've got a GREAT view. ^_______________^  
  
Beatrix: ¬__¬ Heh heh...  
  
Quina: ...Ooo-KAY. Well, there's a small cage either side of my head, by my ears. I just slip the frogs through a hatch there, and using a string either side of my nose, I can open and shut the cage door, so it can't jump back out again. Then when I get off set, they get put back in the tank.  
  
Beatrix: Ooo! Very sneaky! Don't you get nervous with all those frogs around you? I mean, it would really suck if you had a phobia of frogs...  
  
Quina: Nah, I'm alright. I was one of those kids who'd run out and catch frogs and insects and stuff. But because they're all damp, they smell and it hangs around the head...ugh, it reeks in there!  
  
Beatrix: ^__^;; Lovely. Any questions left...?  
  
Kuja: I've got one. Do you have a boyfriend? ^__^  
  
Quina: A girlfriend, yeah.  
  
Kuja: ;__; Nooooo...FZZT...huh? What's happening to FZZT picture?  
  
[The picture wavers before coming back into focus.]  
  
Kuja: Hey, B, we're FZZZZZZT battery power. Wind it up.  
  
Beatrix: Okay, time for FZZZZT burning question. Due to the funny voice you put on, NO ONE, not even FZT cast, can tell whether Quina's a guy FZZZT girl. So, c'mon, FZTZT the beans.  
  
Quina: FZTZTZTZTZTZ obvious? Quina's FZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  
  
[At this point, everything goes black. The picture returns back to its old quality, but now we're stood at the main doors of the building. Both presenters are in the shot, although each has one arm reached behind the camera to steady it.]  
  
Beatrix: Sorry about that, folks. Technical difficulty. We'd love to take you back to Quina-  
  
Kuja: Me especially. *sigh* But he already left. With his GIRLFRIEND, no less. *pouts*  
  
Beatrix: ¬__¬ Get over it. Well, we hope that you've had a good time.  
  
Kuja: I know I did. ^__^ Lots of blackmail-worthy information, I thought.  
  
Beatrix: We ALSO hope that you bought lots of copies of our video.  
  
Kuja: And who knows; we might even make a sequel! Keh heh! But for now, it's I, Kuja, saying 'until we meet again, fans'!  
  
Beatrix: And me, Beatrix, saying 'buh-bye' to you great, money-spending guys! Love you all! Unless you're BORROWING this video. In which case, GO OUT AND BUY, YA CHEAPSKATE!  
  
Kuja: Nice touch, B...  
  
[The video fades out.]  
  
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Well, it's finished! And as for the hint about a sequel...don't hold your breath. Aha. But, hey, maybe if I get even a few requests, it'll jog me along...? Anyways, many thanks to everyone who's noting/noted me, it's very much appreciated! Have a good day! ^__^ *bows* 


End file.
